A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
