i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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