It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
