So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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