he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
