I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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