I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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