Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
