happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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