Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
