Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
