I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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