Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
