There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
