It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
