now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
