My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
