watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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