the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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