Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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