I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
