you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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