you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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