'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
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