My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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