I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
