The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
