Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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