I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
