There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Randomize
