You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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