sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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