there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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