I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
