you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You need a sexual gate keeper
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
