When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
