Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
