if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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