I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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