I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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