I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Randomize
