So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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