Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
