I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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