He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
