Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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