based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
