Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Randomize
