I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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