He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
can u get pink eye on your cock?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Randomize
