FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
