While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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