Duck Duck Cougar?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
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