I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
