Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
