Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
