the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
