my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
