hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
