Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
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