If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
