Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
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Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
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That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
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