handjob tips. give me some.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
