On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
