Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
