i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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