I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
