life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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